Embracing Everyday

A couple of nights ago, I had this urge to re-arrange my personal files and documents. I also re-arranged my cabinet, tidied up our bookshelves and started listing down the TO-DO’s that needs to be ticked off by the month of September.

It’s my way of purging the anxieties that have been building up inside me. Now that December is just around the corner. Anticipating the holidays, I suppose. And I am smiling more than usual now. And instead of moping, I pour all my energies to Sky and my work.

And lately, I have been forgetting myself again.

Sure, I look OKAY from the outside. But I feel that I need to have myself checked by a doctor one of these days. So I have peace of mind that my health is not deteriorating. Stress can do a lot of harm, and most of the time you can’t see it from the outside.

What I do notice lately is my penchant for sleeping VERY late at night. And then waking up TOO EARLY than I should. And when I do wake up, I felt like I didn’t sleep at all.

And I feel tired most of the time too. NOT GOOD.

I skipped two days from my weight training because of this. And the splitting headache that does not seem to go away. The headache wanes a bit sometimes, but most of the time I can feel my own mind PHYSICALLY punching my skull.

Hence, the sudden need of cleaning up and organizing things. Have to begin somewhere, somehow.

And I also notice lately that I have been subsisting on coffee, more coffee, a little of green tea and almost nothing else. I do really forget that I am hungry. And when I get the splitting headaches, that’s the only time I REALLY EAT.

Sometimes, I think of drinking loads of this:

Just to keep up with this:

But of course, I DON’T.

The first few steps to a beginning is always the hardest.

P.S. Thank you for everyone that has been emailing and sending me words of encouragement in my Facebook. I have read through all, but find it hard to reply at the moment. I just want you all to know that I do READ them and cherish them! A big hug to all of you! You know who you are…

I sucked in budgeting my allowance when I was a young BIG TIME! It was even harder for me to make do with what I earn during my first job, that I maxed out my two credit cards even before I knew what hit me! It was awful!

I was young and definitely ignorant of handling personal finances. After that credit card catastrophe, I paid off my debt little by little. And when it was fully paid at last. The first thing I did was called up one of the credit card companies and cut one of them off…. CONTINUE READING HERE

It’s been exactly a month since that fateful day. And as much as part of me despise him… I am missing him terribly.

Last week was a bit of a struggle for me. Sky’s first week in his new school. Doing my best to juggle work, myself and Sky. I made sure that everyday and every minute was not wasted on tears and sadness. I learned to practice thinking of happy thoughts and blessedness inside my head.

After all, what’s inside your mind becomes you.

Despite of everything, I miss him terribly. Last week was a struggle for me, because no matter how I focused on work. I still think of him. He is still my husband after all and still the love of my life. Just a bit morbidly amusing that I when I do get a chance to see him, I want to wring his neck and kiss him at the same time.

Disturbing? YES. I KNOW.

Every time I turn the corner to get to the house that Sky and I call home now, I pray and hope and even imagine that I would see his yellow scooter parked outside. And he would be inside the house, awaiting for our return.

I still believe in Miracles and the power of Prayer… I wonder what God has in store for us?

As soon school ends for the day, Sky scurries outside and makes his way to the sandbox in the school’s playground. He just hands over his backpack and gets lost in sand happiness oblivion.

This afternoon as I watched Sky revel in the joy that playing with sand gives him, one of the boys there started flinging sand around – and my legs were the unfortunate victims of the sand flinging.

Sky stood up and went straight to the boy and said…

“DON’T DO THAT TO MY MOM! YOU SHOULD SAY SORRY TO MY MOMMY!”

The boy was a fist taller than Sky. He said sorry. And all the other adults nearby was smiling as they watched the event unfolding.

And my little man started wiping off the sand on my legs and said, “Let’s go now Mom…”

I was speechless.

I am at a lost for words right now.

After the incident that happened that placed The Philippines in top headlines all over the world.

I am sorry and would like to offer my condolences for the innocent tourists that were killed in that bus.

VERY, VERY, SORRY.

I could not imagine what their families are going through right now.

There is only one thing we can do right now.

PRAY.

I took a picture of myself last Saturday when Sky and I went with my folks for their hunt for a new chandelier somewhere in Mandaluyong.

Some people say that I still look very fit. But the problem is I FEEL VERY WEAK. And when you get to see my neck, it looks like a toothpick with a grape on top of it. And if you happen to see me in person, my cheekbones pop out more than I’d like it to.

Admittedly, I have not run a single mile for the past month. I only run when I have to RUN AFTER SKY. And aside from that I am starting to miss my reliable muscles. Instead of running, I am starting on strength training first. With the help of A VERY HEAVY GEAR. I don’t want to mention the program here yet, but I will definitely share it with you when I see good results. I will still squeeze in running of course, since running certainly helps my mind too, aside from improving my heart.

When this picture was taken, my hair was always in a bun or in a ponytail. Since it looked really, REALLY dry (and fried) and it was waist-length long. I look more like a female Freddie Aguilar when I let it flow freely. The freaky waves didn’t help much either. No pun intended Mr. Aguilar, but I looked like a witch.

After the chandelier hunting was done, I left Sky and had three hours for myself to do a little bit of making a do-over for myself.

I went straight to a Tony and Jackey salon in SM North Edsa. A friend of mine from highschool recommended that I try them, since Korean hairstylist’s can do wonders for curly and wavy hair. (Although she recommended their branch in Tomas Morato, but didn’t feel like driving all the way there.)

And it was all over in 20minutes.

And my hair looked awesome…. But almost everyone looks FABULOUSLY GORGEOUS when you come out of any salon right? So, we’ll see in a week how my hair fares. And that’s the only time if I’ll recommend it or not.

Right after that I got a manicure and pedicure somewhere in the same mall. This is my first time to have a manicure after TWO years. Most of the time, I just have my toenails done. Having my fingernails painted in any color – is a MAKEOVER for me.

I then attempted to look around for skirts. SKIRTS. It seemed so unfathomable for me to ever consider wearing one in this stage of my life. So what the heck, I was just looking around anyway.

Mind you that I used to wear ruffles and florals and all things sugar and spice. But I think I just wanted to project that “kikay” image more than me liking the clothes itself.

So when a sales lady in… Hold on, I am trying to remember the name of the store… Terra- something near Krispy Kreme over at the second floor in SM Annex North EDSA…

“Mam, heto po bagay na bagay sa inyo…” She exclaimed with so much enthusiasm.

And she showed me A SKIRT and I wanted to punch her smack in the face. It had layers of RUFFLES AND FLORALS, the mere sight of it made my eye itch… Although, I couldn’t quite blame her for suggesting the itchy looking skirt. I was wearing that same plain yellow top with jeans and flip-flops, BUT my nails were PAINTED and my hair was BOUNCING with beautiful tight curls. So, I just gave her a smile back instead…. And made a bee line to the exit.

Bought myself a small serving of frosty from Wendy’s and walked to the parking lot. And THAT made my day!

After ranting in my last post and crying bucket loads of tears, I had to make it a “protected” post. If you haven’t read it, you can email me at thefitmommy(at)yahoo(dot)com for the password. Although before locking it, a lot have already read it and I feel that some people might have been weirded out by it, but I am also glad to know that I have the support of my close friends and family though this trying time.

On a lighter note, I got this in the mail today:

It’s more exquisite than I imagined it to be! I bought this online from Alaina’s blog, Ms. Single Mama. It’s an antiqued leaf necklace for only US$28.00 with free international shipping! I have been reading and back reading her blog for a month now, and a lot of her posts resonates in what I have been going through. I have been meaning to do some drastic physical change and my choices were: color my hair chestnut brown (or red!) or get a small tattoo… Then, I saw this necklace and fell in love with it immediately. A new necklace, to celebrate just ME. (The tattoo will have to wait.)

It may sound that I am closing my doors on my marriage. But, I am not. I still love him – very much so. But there are just some values that I need to stand up and fight for. And I am also definitely not closing my door on LOVE. Even if I am going through this pain. I am pretty sure that the pain that I am feeling is nothing compared to others out there with problems bigger than mine. However, I recently found myself developing an allergy to strikingly handsome chiseled men. In view of the fact that my husband is a strikingly handsome chiseled man.

Anyhow, I would like to thank Alaina for the free e-book that came with the necklace, as well as the extra chain that I might need if I wanted to make the necklace longer. And the small note that made my day even better.

She was quite surprised to find out that she had readers all the way from The Philippines! Well, after this post. I am sure she will have more!

Have a great weekend everyone! Lots of Love from Sky and Me.

This evening in the middle of me scrubbing Sky’s head with shampoo in the bathroom he says, “Mom, I need to pee!”

So, I stopped everything and redirected him to the drain, so he can do his thing. Instead, he turned around and PEED ON MY FEET.

I SCREAMED.

True enough, he got the reaction that he wanted and let out a sinister, almost evil laugh that can ever come out of a three-year-old boy.

And his eyes were sparkling with pure and sheer delight.

The other day, he proudly showed me the biggest booger that I have ever seen. Not even close to the size of one of mine, considering I am an adult. (I of course have bigger nostrils than my son)

But it was HUGE. It was almost pea-size. And it looked like it came out from one nostril. AND it was really fresh.

I SCREAMED as soon as I saw it. And then SCREAMED some more when he proceeded on wiping the gunky, brownish-green creation on MY ARM.

He smiled, looking extremely pleased and proud of his newfound skill. GROSSING MOM OUT.

The past couple of weeks felt like swimming from Manila to Corregidor and back and then back again. Not that I have any plans of swimming in the water of Manila Bay again. (Because I actually did have to dive down the murky and stinky waters once in 2006 – in my stint as a bowman)

Well, it’s the only body of water that I can compare it with how I dealt with the cards given to me. I know you may think I feel and look AWFUL right now – because it DOES sound awful being immersed in dark, dirty and stinky water. However, there are some good in it.

One is – you don’t know where the hell you’re heading to, even if you try to open your eyes under. And you know it stinks being dunked in filthy water, but you don’t smell a thing because you are under water and making absolutely sure NOTHING goes inside your nose by pinching it – or by blowing all the air left inside your hapless lungs.

And because it’s so dark and you’re scared shit of what you might encounter or what might happen to you. You just swim and swim and swim again, and HOPE for the best.

I have been keeping myself as busy as possible to make sure I don’t have any strength left when night time comes – and I just crash in bed to sleep. And I cramming myself with Physical therapy reviews, work and Sky will keep my mind so occupied that I don’t think of anything else.

So, I don’t have time to FEEL.

I go out with friends almost every weekend and remind myself that Life goes on no matter what.

*********************

Last Friday my boss told me to go play with Sky and start my weekend a bit early at 3:30PM, because I apparently have done good work. And he thinks that I need to clear my head and do NOTHING to keep myself creative. That it was absolutely vital that I go and sign off Skype and have FUN.

My only question was: HOW?

*********************

I forced myself and went off the grid the rest of my Friday. Even facebook was not spared.

After spraying ourselves with mosquito repellant, we went on a small adventure out of the house.

And then after dinner, I rummaged through the pantry for something that might help me WIND down more. I don’t know a thing about merlot’s and cabernet’s. I just know there is red and white. And I do know that I do prefer red’s over the white’s. Seeing RED, SWEET and WINE on the label was enough for me to choose that bottle over the others. And I finished half of the bottle all by myself, while I read a REALLY GOOD BOOK.

I was half-drunk by the time I finished my 3rd glass. And found myself literally and physically GASP FOR AIR and breathe out the tightness of my chest. And let myself RELAX.

Everything’s going to be just fine.